3 Mental Fallacies Ruining Your Work-Life Meaning
To most, the concept of work-life meaning is cliché. The idea that someone would want a work-life balance that is in tune with their values is common sense. So why does it rarely ever happen?
As we go through major growth phases in our life, it slowly dawns on us that nobody really prepares us for how to find balance. This is especially true if your core values conflict with the blueprint of your life. You may find yourself at a fork in the road driven by an existential crisis or via your first steps into self-reflection. As we grow, we’re often left grasping for straws on what to do next.
Feeling lost is a symptom- the real cause is that we have not established concrete direction in our life.
Finding Direction and Driving Balance Through Meaning
If you read my content, you’ll know I spent years being a workaholic at the expense of my well-being. Most of this derived from my core values not matching the trajectory of my life. This basic conflict drives so much deep-seated anxiety in people. As we go through life, many of us do not take the time to identify our key values and aim our lives towards that.
Instead, we inherit fallacies based on incomplete narratives in our heads merged with societal norms. These come from our friends, family, and even the media itself. You may feel immune to such influence but, trust me, you aren’t.
When we turn our focus inward, we can observe our thoughts and not just react to them. For me, these thoughts associated my work and meaning. When we pull the curtain back and examine why we think the way we do, thoughts take on a new meaning.
By being less reactionary, I was more present. Being present is the fastest way to attain peace. Before I could stop letting my thoughts control my life, I had to explore and find my direction. These 3 fallacies held my well-being hostage for too long. By unraveling these fallacies, I was able to balance my work and my values to be more content.
Fallacy 1: My Thoughts Are Who I Am
Your thoughts are always with you. They are the constant companion that you deal with at all times. Through constant exposure, the lines between me and my thoughts blurred. Many may think I’m referencing some sort of psychological disorder but that misses the point entirely. Let me give you an example:
Focus on the first song that comes to mind.
Now think about why you chose that song. What decision-maker in your head chose that song over the thousands of others? You may attribute it to some trivial circumstance such as it being the last thing on your music playlist. Then who chose to use the last song on your playlist as your reference point? This chain of reasoning can go on indefinitely. The point is that there is some mental function blaring thoughts at the core of consciousness.
If you focus on your thoughts, can you identify that thinker? That thought producer? If you can observe a separate mechanism of thought generation then you are, by definition, not your thoughts. That concept is extremely powerful and can change your life.
When I was fully engaged in work, I could not quit. While most would see that drive as a positive, I was driven by a constant negative stream of thoughts that reflected my insecurities. The visions of my failure led me to anxiety and depression. I fooled myself into believing that because my thoughts were always with me that they were me. And I believed them.
As I became more anxious, I dumped more time into toxic work habits thinking it would alleviate it. That negative feedback loop tore away my relationships and my sense of self. So what was the cure?
By separating myself from my thoughts, I began observing them. I recommend meditation to start your journey into that. In mindfulness meditation, I could observe my thoughts floating through space and note their tone and sentiment. By backing up, I started flexing the muscles to accept that my thoughts were not reality. As I began questioning my thoughts, they became less real. Through that, my panic attacks became less frequent and my relationships improved.
How does overcoming this fallacy improve work-life balance? The first few times you examine your thoughts, it will be chronic chaos. Through self-reflective practice, the impact of those thoughts will dissipate and you’re left with a blank slate to mold. By taking responsibility for your thoughts, you choose what you react to. Choosing to not react to negative stimuli results in a calmer, less anxious, version of yourself.
Fallacy 2: I Can Be Great At Everything
Without concrete direction, many of us fall into the trap of being great in our careers. Western cultures predominantly focus on career and production growth. As we flow through the education system, everything points to a career. As a young adult coming into their own, this becomes the focal point. And why not? It’s been the main focus of our first 2 decades of life.
What if deep down you don’t have a longing to be a high achieving business officer? The conflict between an educational focus on career and differing core values is rampant in unexamined individuals. It remains a key reason for modern-day anxiety. This is why we need direction.
The beautiful fact of the matter is that we have complete control of this.
With control, comes responsibility. Our individual ability to build is not limitless. I realized too late that other facets of my life require work. Work was not the only focus of my life that required work. Many of us believe that our career requires constant tending but other key elements like our marriages and parenting do not. It’s not surprising as our education system spends almost zero time focusing on mental and personal relationships. Without tending, they wither and fade away.
By acknowledging the responsibility for my foci and my limited ability to give, I found that I cannot be great at everything. Every ounce of energy spent working on my career has an inherent opportunity cost. I could spend it improving my other relationships. The freedom comes in knowing that choice is mine to make.
So we come to an often overlooked truth. I can be excellent at one aspect of my life or I can be good at many. As a perfectionist, this required a large amount of reflection. We see every day that success does not mean immunity to this fact. The richest in our world often divorce and have explosive relationships with their friends and children. That is just one cost of excellence.
I found better work-life meaning through acceptance of this. By reflecting, I found my relationship with my wife has more value than sporting a fancy title. So why am I only working on my career? I now take responsibility for what my values are. By putting the same tenacity into my marriage as I did my career, my relationship strengthened immensely. I aligned my most important values to what I spent my time focused on.
This personal choice needs to come from deep down in the individual. If your true heart points you towards financial rewards and taking an industry to new heights, that is an acceptable answer. Just accept the responsibility for what you give up. You cannot have it all, but you can have what is most important to you.
Fallacy 3: My Relationships Will Always Be There
Media often romanticizes life long friendships and long lost lovers. This is for good reason — strong relationships are the building blocks of happiness. By romanticizing, we often lose the truth though. Strong relationships require work. Lots of it.
Many of us only apply the great life advice from coaches like Jim Rohn or Earl Nightingale to our work lives.
“Work never killed anyone. It’s worry that does the damage. And the worry would disappear if we’d just settle down and do the work.”
Earl Nightingale
I fell victim to assuming work only referenced my career. I had a father who exhibited the same behavior. As my friendships faded away and my relationships broke down, I assumed it was from a lack of compatibility. At the end of it — I was successful and lonely. After examination, I never gave those relationships a fighting chance. I assumed any relationship would be there regardless of how much effort I put into it.
Relationships have no endpoint; to assume a point where no more effort is required exists is childish.
In reality, there is no better place to put your all-out effort. Soren Kierkegaard believed that strong relationships held the key to finding our best selves. After refocusing my life on my family and not only work, I fully agree.
“But when the heart is filled with love, then the eye is never deceived; for love when it gives, does not scrutinize the gift.”
Soren Kierkegaard. Three Edifying Discourses
The most important relationships in your life will wither without proper tender care. Much like all self-improvement, quality should be seen as a marathon and not a sprint. Little changes make all the difference.
At the end of life, very few of us wish we had spent less time with what we cherish most. Sadly, most never take the time to find out exactly what that is. Value aligned direction is truly one of the great gifts to give one’s self. This is the key to overcoming all of the above fallacies. I can fully immerse myself in life through tending and building meaningful relationships.
The best part?
That responsibility is mine and mine alone.
Originally published at https://workingmanszen.com on October 2, 2020.
