3 Healthy Arguing Techniques For A Zen Relationship
All Successful Relationships Require Work
Many of us who spend our lives grinding tend to focus our energy inward. We create optimized morning routines, consistent mediation habits, and laser-focused end goals. We never realize what strong bonds can be cultivated by unleashing that energy outside of us.
In fact, I say that the majority of people would agree that their relationships rank number one as the most fulfilling aspect of their lives. So why do we never prioritize it that way?
Why do we project our best self on a client call but walk into our homes and give our family an angry and dejected shell? Why do we pounce on our cells when our boss pops up but roll our eyes when we see our spouse’s call?
Why do we prepare tirelessly for interviews and presentations but never take the time to learn how to effectively speak to and understand the ones we love?
Regardless of whether learned early in life or through media, it remains a problem of priorities. If we’re working with an untamed mind, outside influences determine what is most important. Successfully living a zen life evolves from having the confidence to set your own values and execute. If you want better relationships, you need to work for them. Day in and day out.
Working on a relationship is not a sign of weakness either. It shows passion still exists. One person conceding continuously should be what truly shoots up red flags.
I grew the most in my relationships by shifting my mindset on healthy arguing. Two people wanting to be heard so badly but having no effective method to do so. By casting the ego aside, you begin to listen. Through presently listening, understanding happens. There is a reason Buddhist monks claim that “understanding is the other name for love.” Healthy arguing techniques help get us there.
Healthy Arguing Techniques
Here are 3 tips to arguing with those close to you that will help bring you closer:
In the heat of the moment, it can be daunting to reflect like this. I still fail to do this every time. But I have become better through practice. Through these basic questions, I’ve stopped myself from saying hurtful statements that were unjustified. Even one victory makes it worth it.
2. Give Your Full Attention Every Time: The only limited resource we have in this world is time. Willingly giving your time to someone shows a level of respect and care that most take for granted. Even when you’re angry, the people you love deserve your full attention.
Your phone does not and should not take priority over those you care about.
In the world today, stimuli continually vie for our attention. Families spend time glued to their phones during dinners. Friends scroll through social media when out socializing. It is critical to learn to discipline your attention more than ever.
Discipling our actions and attention spans through mindfulness allows us to focus on what matters. In an argument, by putting down your device, you create a space of respect. Most arguments have roots in our fragile egos; creating a safe and respectful environment can disarm hostility just as well as words.
If you want to establish a foundation of caring, start with the following guidelines:
* When someone speaks to you, put down the device and connect
* Start implementing technology-free time outside of arguments. No phones at the dinner table or no technology on date night dinners are great starts
* Ask yourself in any situation if you’d be proud of yourself if you were the other person. Would you feel respect and love if someone displayed the same behavior you are now? If the answer is no, you need to stop immediately.
Mindfulness sets the foundation for peace in the present. By always engaging outside of the present moment, we sabotage our capacity for peace. With strong mental foundations, we gain the capacity to build beautiful relationships. These healthy arguing techniques help.
3. Focus On Being Understanding Over Being Right: When arguing, we define an end goal — unconsciously or not. If your ego drives the thought process, your end goal most likely bases itself in “I.” The ego, after all, supports the “I” fully.
By consciously defining an end goal to understand the other person, a switch from focusing on “I” to focusing on “Us” occurs. This tweak fundamentally shifts the tone and direction many arguments take.
So what steps can one take to shift that paradigm? Here are steps to easily switch from a place of selfishness to a place of growth:
* Understand the end goal of the other person. This means listening more than talking in almost all cases. Treat their words as a chance to learn and not as a brief space between your own arguments
* Once you understand, you can begin to compromise if needed. Ask meaningful questions about what an ideal result from the argument looks like for them. Most of the time, a middle ground exists.
Aiming to understand shows you care for the other person’s feelings. Once again, showing care and respect often decreases the hostility of any argument.
Containing the Ego
Arguments derive from the primitive portion of our brain driven by ego. Our brain evolved the functionality to optimally respond to any given situation as best as it can. The problem now is that discussing an ego threatening topic is vastly different than a threat faced by our ancestors.
Like most aspects of mindfulness, the end goal is to remove the ego’s childlike influence. The good news is that this is very doable through practicing healthy arguing techniques like these.
Through the practice of meditation and self-reflection, you remove your ego and impulse to instantly react from the equation. This sets the groundwork for peace. By coming from a place of love and understanding, your arguments become more productive, and your relationship levels up immediately.
Originally published at https://workingmanszen.com on October 10, 2020.
